I Just Don't Get It.

In our society we expect ourselves to do everything--and to do it perfectly.  We expect ourselves to work full time, raise happy families, maintain our households and friendships, find causes to volunteer for and activities to participate in and exude confidence as we make it all look effortless.  Furthermore, in the past few years we have really put more of an emphasis on caring for our bodies and living healthy lifestyles.  So how is it that, in this society, it remains a stigma to care for our mental health by speaking to counselors about the immense amounts of pressure we face every day?  I mean, if anything, shouldn't it be impressive that we managed to squeeze an extra hour of productive-healthy-lifestyle-time into our day?

Look at this campaign ad from Dove.  I love it.  Women are brave enough to bare their bodies to talk about being healthy.  It's inspiring.

But when someone owns up to what's going on in their lives and suggests he/she might need help talking about mental health, addressing real needs we all have, it is sometimes equated to "craziness" or being weak.  I just don't get it.

I know I'm oversimplifying here, but the more I think about it the more frustrated I get that this is something we feel uncomfortable talking about.  Only in the past year have I discovered that I have anxiety, found tools to cope with it, and made my life so much better.  The first time I saw my counselor I was so nervous--like, arm-pit-soaked-nervous.  I didn't tell anyone where I was going, and I was skeptical that it would work.  I felt ashamed, like there was something wrong with me.  And now I just wonder why I waited so long when the effects have completely changed my life.  But I know why: because my shame was a reflection of what we see on TV or in movies or read in books or hear from the people around us.

The truth is that we all need to address our mental health.  For some people this comes through talking with friends or yoga or exercise or going to church (and the list goes on).  For me, I wasn't a person who felt comfortable trying to process how I was feeling with friends--I felt like a broken record because I struggled to even identify what was bothering me to talk about in the first place.  And my struggle to identify what was bothering me meant that processing by myself was difficult too.  Once I opened my mind to it, I really loved talking to a counselor because her voice and suggestions are completely outside my realm--I don't have to worry about offending her, if what I say will somehow get to someone else, I don't have to be afraid of saying something that sounds dumb, or of struggling with the same problem for a long period of time.  Plus, she's trained for this!  Once I really admitted that something wasn't right and I made the commitment to myself to work on it--just like I work on treating my body right through exercise and eating healthfully--what better to guide me than her advice, based on years of experience and training?

I guess maybe I'm just asking for a little compassion for each other.  If we find ways to take care of ourselves--our WHOLE selves, mind and body and spirit--we should applaud it.  And maybe if it wasn't such a stigma to talk about the stress that we face in everyday tasks (not that we don't love working full time, raising happy families, maintaining our households and friendships, finding causes to volunteer for and activities to participate in--but it's hard balancing all that!) maybe we wouldn't feel as stressed to begin with.

The Mind Game of Physical Fitness

You set a goal.  Say, X pounds.  You set a plan: Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays are 30 minutes of cardio, Tuesdays and Thursdays are weight lifting days.  It's totally manageable, realistic, healthy!  You're excited to get started.  

The first week goes by and it's really hard to get up in the mornings but at the end of the day you're glad you did it--after all, you're one day closer to X pounds!  You hit week two and three just as strong and you are really proud of yourself for sticking to a plan for once.  But then week four creeps up, and you're looking in the mirror and looking at your clothes and looking at the scale and thinking "why am I doing this? I'm trying SO hard and I have NOTHING to show for it!"  You keep going into weeks 4, 5 and 6, but you're getting continuously more down on yourself.  You start to stress about what you're eating, you start thinking that the goals you've set aren't enough.  Some days it feels like it's actually YOU that's not enough.  And as X pounds seems further and further away, and your stress level rises, suddenly you're feeling overwhelmed at work and there aren't enough hours in the day.  You're tired.  And by week 7 your workouts slip to just cardio days, and somewhere in-between frustrated and 2 months, you revert to where you were before you even started.

Change a number, length of time, or exercise here and there and you basically have the story behind every workout I have ever attempted.  I have always aspired to living a healthy lifestyle, but felt like I failed every time.  And then I had this revelation that changed everything.

I wanted to live a healthy lifestyle but what I realized late this summer is that for years and years and years what I was actually doing was trying to attain some number on a scale or a certain look in the mirror.  The moment I changed my perspective, everything clicked.  One big change for me was realizing that working out 4-5 days a week completely changed my mental health.  I won't go into it now--that's a story for a different time--but I started to truly recognize exercise as a tool for being healthy rather than a tool for being skinny.  Suddenly, every workout was a success. 

I mean, think about it.  If you're working out to "get skinny", when you're done with your workout it's really easy to fall into the mindset of failure and tell yourself (even though it's not true!) "This isn't working because I'm not skinny yet!"  But if you think of working out as a tool for being healthy, then EVERY DAY YOU ARE SUCCEEDING!  When you finish a workout, you can say to yourself "I am healthier today because I got more movement than I would have if I didn't get a workout in."  And you know what the BEST part of this thinking is?  It works for ANY AMOUNT OF MOVEMENT!  

You know those days where you just couldn't pull yourself out of bed and get to the gym?  Or the day when you forgot your gym shoes at home and instead of running in to get them you ended up running in and sitting on the couch?  If you're anything like me, you told yourself "Well, there's no point going now because I won't be able to do my full workout, and my full workout is what's going to get me into shape, so what's the point of doing it halfway?  It's not going to get me looking (insert every critical thing you say to yourself here)".  But when you're working out to be healthy, your inner dialog changes.  And you think "Well, if I don't feel like running today I can walk and that will STILL be healthier than nothing at all."

Maybe all of you have come to this realization much sooner than I did.  But I have to tell you, it is the single best thing that has happened to my exercise routine.  For the first time since I can remember, I have maintained a workout program for more than a few months, I feel SO much better, I am much less critical of myself, and, incidentally, I am also toning up more than I ever have before and am noticing visible results that matter much less now than before.  

It is so sad to me that we can be so down on ourselves about doing what's healthy for our minds, bodies and families.  And I KNOW, I promise you, I KNOW, how that cycle of negative self-talk is so hard to break.  I still have days when I feel negative.  But those days are easier to ignore than they were before, because I feel so much more successful than I ever have--not because my workouts are any different, but because I'm giving myself credit for the benefit they give my life. 

So CHEERS to recognizing the good we do for ourselves, friends.  Have a great week.

What I Wish I Had Known about Having an Infant

There will be plenty to read without my adding additional commentary to the list below.

1.  I don't know about all new moms, but I felt really strange (emotionally) for the first 6 weeks or so (this sounds like a long time but it FLIES with a newborn).  I reacted to things much differently than I would normally, I felt overwhelmed, I was tired.  I just didn't feel like myself.  I wish I would have mentally prepared for that because then, when it happened, it might not have felt so strange and scary.  If/when you DO overreact, feel overwhelmed, yell at your family or cry for no reason, don't feel guilty about it.  The emotion itself is enough without you putting added stress on yourself feeling like you have to change it.  It is perfectly acceptable to be a bit crazy in the first few weeks after delivery.  BUT, that being said, when you feel crazy, try to do something to make you feel LESS crazy.  Because those feelings build on themselves if you don't address them (see #2).

2.  Things that helped me feel calm when I was feeling anything but: getting out of the house in any way possible.  I found that panicky feelings were tied to how long I stayed in the house without moving very much...maybe like cabin fever.  So for me, getting out included things like: going outside (even just sitting on the deck), going for walks holding the baby in my arms, going for short walks (even just a couple times around the block) while a family member stayed with the baby during a nap) and going to someone's house (I never wanted to do this, it felt really overwhelming...like, "I just had this baby and I don't know how to take care of it and now you want me to do something ELSE new like put the baby in the car seat and drive across town??? What if we get into an accident? What if I forget something? What if the baby needs something?"...but once I was AT the person's house, it felt really good and I started feeling more like myself and much less scared.  I was really fearful of Miles getting sick if I took him to public places when he was only weeks old (I am still unsure of how warranted this fear really was, I don't feel it now) but I think things like going out for coffee or strolling at the mall were really calming too.  It just reminded me that the stress that I felt encompassing all of my life wasn't everywhere in the world...it reminded me how many people have kids and take care of them, and that all I had to do was love Miles and give him the best care I could.  

3.  I think I mentioned before that I stressed a lot about my milk coming in and breast feeding, and in the end I wish I hadn't.  There is so much that I know now that just didn't click before.  First and foremost, stress can dry up your breast milk.  There is no way a new mom doesn't worry, but if you're feeling worried or stressed acknowledge it (say something to yourself like, "of course I'm going to worry, I have a newborn, but it will be okay,") and then go take a walk, or change your scenery, just get out of your head a little.  Secondly, if you can't, or don't want to, breast feed there are SO MANY OPTIONS: you can pump breast milk and give it to your baby with a bottle, you can use formula, you can do a combination of both.  I do believe that breast feeding is best for mom and baby post delivery, but I also believe that the pressure to breast feed if it doesn't work for you (and the resulting stress) can be harmful.  If something about breast feeding isn't working for you, give yourself permission to find another alternative!

4.  If for some reason your milk dries up before you're ready to stop breast feeding, continuing to pump can help it come back in.  But it could take up to a week for your milk supply to return.  Don't think that just because it's not coming in for a couple of days that means that it won't (it might not, but give it at least a week).  And remember that stress (too much of it--and remember, I don't mean that you won't be stressed, that's natural, I mean excessive worry that makes your mind spin and won't let you relax at all, ever) and nutrition (too little of it) are big factors in breast milk production.

5.  And, speaking of breast feeding, there's one last personal anecdote I'll mention here because I felt really embarrassed when this happened to me and didn't know that it's not uncommon.   Every time my milk dropped (you don't have a constant supply of milk all the time.  Your breasts sort of "fill up" with milk every couple of hours once you get in sync with the baby, and "milk dropping" is the feeling you have when that happens.  Forgive me if I'm patronizing you, but I didn't know how it worked or what all the terms meant) I felt this wave of sadness wash over me.  It was really strong, like when you stand up too fast out of bad and feel dizzy and black out for just a second, except replace the dizziness with sadness. There's a hormone that causes your milk to drop, and for some women that hormonal trigger causes the sadness as well as the milk dropping.  If this happens to you, talk to your doctor (or someone)!  There's not a lot you can do for it but just knowing that I wasn't alone helped me a lot and empowered me to make some choices about what I wanted to do to address it.

6. The weight will come off.  It will.  Be as healthy as you can be: eat when you're hungry but make healthy choices, get in as much movement as you can, and gradually increase your activity as you're able (physically and mentally).  I think I asked my doctors 3 or 4 times about how soon I would be able to work out after delivery.  They kept telling me 8 weeks AT LEAST (I had a C-Section), and this really stressed me out.  I thought, "8 weeks? I need to start getting this weight off before that!!"  The truth is that I didn't even THINK about working out for at least 8 weeks because it's true that my body was weak and recovering from such a major event, and the time passed SO quickly with so little sleep and so much adjusting to a new life.  Furthermore, your body will burn a lot of calories in those first weeks as it adjusts to having the baby outside versus inside (including breast feeding).  And I would say that the "9 months on, 9 months off" adage is true, but once I started working out again I felt really good about my body long before I lost all the weight.  So I guess what I'm saying here is worry more about being healthy than losing the pounds.  Because feeling healthy is what's going to make you feel good before, during and after the weight is lost.

7.  The rules are important, but so is your instinct.  Let me be clear that I'm not advocating ignoring a doctor's advice.  But for me, it was important to try to remember that caring for a baby isn't black and white--there aren't any answers that work for EVERY child.  I had to learn to trust my instincts.  For example, my son would not sleep on his back.  After 3 weeks of sleepless nights (him AND us) we finally tried putting him to sleep on his stomach.  And the first night we finally had 3 hours at a time, together, of sleep.   And there were some nights where, for whatever reason, Miles was inconsolable and we put him in bed with us.  And for us, that worked.  Again, there are dangers to sleeping on tummy and co-sleeping, and I'm not disregarding that.  But I'm saying to allow yourself to trust yourself and be flexible.

8.  It is difficult finding your relationship with your significant other again after having a baby.  Not because the love is any less, only because you're so busy and your life is so different!  Don't put too much pressure on yourself, but be sure to continuing expressing as much love and gratitude as you can, especially for the little things.  Just saying thank you, or a hug, or a hand squeeze, can make all the difference.  It will make you and your partner feel better, and it starts a cycle of positivity that can carry you through a lot of sleepless nights!

And a few more brief tidbits...

9.  Don't forget to buy socks!  Miles was mostly in footie pajamas for the first couple of months, but on the rare occasion we dressed him in a little outfit, or when it was too hot for the footie pajamas or so cold we wanted an extra layer underneath, socks were important!

10.  The best footie pajamas had elastic around the ankles so that the baby's feet stay put at the bottom of the pjs and it just makes them fit so much better.

10. And, as long as we're on the topic of elastic, sweatpants with elastic ankles were nice too.

12. If you don't want or don't have the extra space for a high chair, a booster seat works great!  I have one that straps tightly to a table chair and has straps for the baby.  The baby can't use it until he/she sits up independently, but that's mostly true for a high chair too.

13.  Babies love music! And lights and noise.  I was a little hesitant about buying a lot of toys for Miles because our house was so small.  And in general, I didn't buy much because I still don't think you need a lot of stuff.  But do think about and purchase or find a toy or two that will stimulate your baby's senses and help the two of you to engage together.

14.  Whatever you do, the most important thing is the love you have for your baby and the love you demonstrate for those who are close to you that will serve as a role model for him or her.  I try to remind myself of that daily, because there are a lot of times where I simply don't know what to do and the number of questions I have far outweigh any certainty.  But at the end of the day, I love my son more than anything in this world, and I know that has to count for something!

I absolutely welcome any questions and comments.  I think the best thing for any new mom is a community where we can talk about what makes us nervous and what we're learning without fear of judgement.  Just a place to talk, safely.  Cheers!  Happy Sunday and have a great week. 

Identity Crisis

Happy New Year!

My favorite blessing is one that's found in many cultures in slightly varying form.  I can't really tell you if I'm a religious person or not--it's a constant debate in my mind and a topic for another day.  But this adaptation from Numbers has always touched me, and it's what I hope for each of you in 2013:
May life bless you and keep you, may it shine up on you and be gracious to you, may it lift you up and give you peace.

I haven't written in a few weeks because I've been suffering a blogger-crisis-of-identity.  Getting to spend two weeks of vacation home with Miles over the holidays made me remember so many things I wanted to share about having an infant!  But then I thought about my ratio of posts (mommy posts:general posts) and even in my short history as a blogger the former greatly outweigh the latter.  Does that mean I need to skip "mommy" posts for awhile?  To make sure readers understand that I want to blog about life in general, that this isn't just a "mommy" blog, that I don't want to get pegged in one category?

My mommy side realized that this must be a frustration for all parents everywhere.  We love our children and our lives truly revolve around them.  But I don't want to be just "Miles's mom," (though it's my proudest job).  I want to be ANAH, who is a teacher, who enjoys having a drink with friends, who likes to laugh, who is a little too serious sometimes... And in the few months I've been a parent (even going back to being pregnant) I've found it's harder to have a conversation with someone who's not a parent because all I can think to talk about is how Miles has started pooping every other day instead of every day or the cool new high chair I just saw last weekend at a friend's house.  Really people?  I need some topics of conversation.

My non-mommy side realized that this must be a frustration for EVERYONE.  I remember in one of my first education classes in college studying the formation of identity and how our identities really aren't fully formed until our mid to late 20s.  Even then our quest for "identity achievement" (thanks Erik Erikson--I should be citing this but I'm not a grad student anymore so just take my word for it or Google it, ok?) will likely last most of our adult lives.

As we all--parents or not--explore, try new things and form our identities, none of us want to be pegged according to one thing we've done or haven't done!  And the more I've thought about it, the more I think this frustration actually hinders us in our daily lives.

So moms, dads, non-moms, non-dads, I hope you all take time this year to try something new and enjoy it.  And whether you decide to become a "_____-er" or not, I hope the experience enriches you and makes you smile.

Oh, and the next blog?  All about babies.

Nothing at All About Pregnancy

This has been a hard week.  The tragedy at Sandy Hook elementary school on Friday left me--and our entire country--more shaken than we probably even realized.  It left me contemplating anger and pain and hatred and where it all comes from.

Sometimes I get really overwhelmed by sadness in the world.  Why do bad things happen to innocent people?  Why is it easy to remember people who have hurt us and harder to remember those who've made us smile?  How is it that we can somehow forget each other's humanity and make blanket statements of anger towards an entire group of people?

I work in a junior high and this time of year can be tough.  The students (and teachers) are tired and ready for winter break, and there's something in the air--it happens every year and I'm sure someone could explain exactly what it is but I have no idea--that makes everyone tense.  The students are meaner to one other...apathy is passed around like a cold.  So, in light of all of this, I decided to show my students the documentary "Happy," in hopes of leaving for winter break with an uplifting message about where we can find happiness in the world.

Of course, the problem is that I'm sitting there watching this documentary and there's this scene where these toddlers in Okinawa, Japan are running a race, just for fun.  They round a corner and run towards their families who cheer for them and help the tired ones cross the finish line.  I look at their faces, think of Miles, think of how beautiful and perfect and innocent they are and I can barely stop myself from crying.  I don't want them to experience pain.  I don't want Miles to know how it feels to be nervous that someone will make fun of him.  I don't want him to know what it feels like to hurt another person.  I just want them to be...well, happy.

I know I can't protect Miles, or any child, from the pain that comes in life.  But one really beautiful message from the film is that in searching for our own happiness we all can make a contribution to making the world a better place.  Studies cited in the film demonstrate that a connectedness to the people and community around us, through making time for friends and family, and giving and helping in any way we can, are key factors in our own happiness.  And that if we practice happiness--and what an idea that experiencing happiness can be practiced and strengthened!--we improve not only ourselves but the world around us.

There are hard days...hard weeks...hard times.  So this is my prayer, sent out into the stratosphere: that each of us finds ways to practice and strengthen our own happiness, to connect ourselves to others and the world around us, and to find love in unlikely places, so that we can have the support within and around us to lift us up in those difficult moments.

xo

Yep, Some Things I Forgot...

You can have swelling in your legs after delivery.  I didn't see much swelling beforehand but I puffed up like a balloon after delivery and it was probably two weeks before my body was able to rid itself of all that excess water.

Night sweats.  Oh man.  I would actually have fevers in the night that would rise to around 100.0 F and then break.  I would wake up drenched (I'm not exaggerating here.  I literally had water running into my eyes), have to change all of my clothes (and the sheets, if I had the energy) and then it would happen again--all night long!  Maybe 2-3 fevers each night.  This is another one of those things that makes sense when you think about how out-of-whack your hormones are and the excess water too.  But I had no idea this could happen.

I was afraid that with a C-Section my milk wouldn't come in.  After all, I had to deliver early and there was no physical, hormonal cue to my body that comes with going into labor to tell it to start producing milk.  But, lo and behold, it did.  Everyone told me it would...but I guess it's one of those things that, for whatever reason, had me worried.

And on that note, pregnancy can cause you to worry about everything.  Try to resist the temptation to worry about what you can't control.  This is definitely something I want to remember for the future.  Your body is built for this.  And if you treat your body well and care for yourself, your body will do what it needs to do.  Of course there are the exceptions to the rule but you can't worry about that.  It's outside of your control.

What I Wish I Had Known About: Delivery

For me, delivery felt sort of like when you're speeding down the interstate and you suddenly roll the window down and the air WHOOSHes in really quickly deafening you and changing the pressure in the air.  For a moment I couldn't hear any of the sounds in the room.  There was only me and Miles and the change in pressure resulting from the way gravity shifted as he became the center of my universe (it's cliche, I know, but seriously, it's true).  In that moment nothing else mattered but my love for him and my need to keep him safe.  I was surprised by how primal my instincts were.  As much as I understood why I had to be still and let the doctors sew me back up, I have rarely felt an urge so strong as my desire to jump off the operating table and run to him, hold him, protect him.  The fact that I couldn't (I was strapped down, as every C-Section patient is) made me cry.  It was surreal.  
I'm getting a little ahead of myself.  I should make sure you know that I had a C-section after almost 3 months of bedrest due to a complete placenta previa.  Every woman's delivery is unique for many reasons, so before I go explaining things I wish I'd known, I need to clarify my own circumstances.  Also, because each woman's delivery is unique I know that this information might not be particularly useful.  But I'm still working from the perspective that if I had had the chance to read this blog before my own delivery, it would have been helpful for me.  I'll try to be concise....  :)

You deliver a C-Section in the operating room, not a delivery room.  Maybe this is obvious to everyone else, but it was not immediately obvious to me.

I knew I would have a C-Section from early on in my pregnancy, and everyone told me that Matt would be allowed to be with me the entire time.  What they neglected to tell me is that "the entire time" DOES NOT include during the epidural & spinal--the time when I was the most frightened!  Looking back on this, it makes sense: it's a sterile environment and they wouldn't necessarily want a nervous husband close to his wife as she's getting a needle the length of a ruler inserted into her spinal column.  Still.  I wish someone would have told me I'd have to do that part alone.

Having said that, one of the nurses sat across from me while I got the injections and held my hands, talked to me and told me exactly what the doctors were doing and that everything was going to be fine.  I'm not a person who would typically rely on a stranger, but when I was so scared it was SO comforting to let myself listen to her voice and block out everything else.

I never knew you could get the shakes from anesthesia.  I'm sure adrenaline was involved too, but my worst pain of the entire delivery/recovery was from shaking so hard for 2 hours straight.  Not everyone reacts to anesthesia this way, but because I didn't even know it was a possibility I was not at all mentally prepared for it.

Your connection with baby will come at it's own time.  Some women feel a connection early after conception.  They might read, sing and talk to baby while he/she is still in the womb.  For me, this wasn't the case. I couldn't conceptualize the enormity of what was happening inside me.  Some women feel it at the birth, some women--especially women who struggle with the baby blues--might feel it later.  I have never considered myself to be a particularly  maternal being, never really felt comfortable around infants.  I was afraid I wouldn't know what to do when the baby was born.  Don't get me wrong, I certainly didn't magically understand everything about babies.  But the connection and the desire to learn far surpassed my expectations.

Your breasts will get HUGE and ROCK HARD and be PAINFUL for a day or two, maybe more, while your milk comes in.  Bring a ginormous, comfy, soft sports bra or nursing bra to wear in the hospital.  I didn't bring any bras that would fit and SO wished I had!

As usual, I feel as though there's so much I'm forgetting...but it's a start.

What I Wish I Had Known About Pregnancy, Part 1

It's been a long time that I've been meaning to write down all of the things I wish I had known before being pregnant.  Lesson one: everything you plan on doing gets done in no less than 3xs the amount of time you thought it would take.  This blog I wanted to write when I was in the hospital? Yeah, here we are, 10 months later...

But before I continue, let me preface this trilogy of posts with a disclaimer.  Please read this for what it is: a letter to myself; I would never judge anyone's experience but my own.  If I ever decide to try another pregnancy there are so many things I want to do differently and writing them down is my only chance at remembering.  (Lesson two: Pregnancy Brain, real.  Never goes away, true.  But I take offense at people assuming I don't have a memory anymore.  It's just that there's SO MUCH MORE to remember and think about).  That being said, I would have loved to have something like this to read as an expecting or new mom! Which is what motivated me to make these personal thoughts public.

OH! One more disclaimer.  I'm going to talk about poop in lesson nine so skip that one if it's too much information for you. Ok, moving on.

Lesson three: Workout 4-5 days every week.  You're not going to want to.  You're going to be exhausted--your body is creating the miracle of life...yeah, that's hard work.  But not giving up on exercise might be the biggest lesson I want to remember for any future pregnancy.  When your body is changing and you have no control over what's happening to you and you even have moments where you lose a sense of self and feel more like a vessel than a woman, exercise is one of the only things you can do to make you feel like YOU again.  You're in charge.  Anything that counts as exercise goes: you can walk, swim, use resistance bands or lift weights (be careful with this one though--certain lifts/weights should be avoided), run, take exercise classes, do yoga...anything.  It's good for your physical health, it's good for the baby's health, and most importantly, it is good for your mental health.  I promise.

Lesson four: Do yoga.  It's exercise (see lesson three), it's stretching parts of your body that are going to become tight and tender, and it gives your running mind a place to calm down and center.

Lesson five: Eat healthfully, but don't stress about eating.  Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full.  Your body knows what it's doing.

Lesson six: Pregnancy can be isolating.  Everyone thinks they know what to tell you, and everyone assumes you want to talk about it.  Women who haven't been pregnant want to know what it's like (but how can you ever really explain it?).  Everyone is eager to tell you how beautiful you look (mostly because it's the one safe thing to say, and because they assume you're feeling hideous which--let's be honest--is probably true) and that you're doing a great job (but seriously, what do they know?)!  I have to be up front here though and say that I'm not a person who shares very personal information--especially not about what I'm feeling.  I know there are women who have a completely different experience than I did because they do actually want to talk about it.  And other women really do love being pregnant.  I didn't.  So I know that people really were trying to be supportive and, had I given them a chance, I might have been surprised by their capacity to empathize with me.  But mostly I was surprised by how irritated I got at the fact that (a) I didn't feel like I could ever be honest (while I knew it was worth it, I still mostly hated being pregnant and it's not really socially acceptable to say so), (b) no one really knew what I was going through (even women who have been pregnant because no two pregnancies are alike), and (c) there are so many changes happening physically and mentally that even if I did finally think about what I wanted to say, chances are I would be feeling completely differently 38 second later.

Lesson seven: Don't become a hermit.  It will be easy, especially in the first trimester, for your habits to change.  I was so sick and exhausted that I didn't want to see anyone or do anything.  But when I stayed home I just felt lonely and had time to worry and just got a bit down in general.  I wish I would have tried to maintain as much of my normal schedule as possible: friends, dates, movies, family dinners... This does get easier in the second and third trimesters when you feel better, but sometimes those habits you fall into are hard to break!

Lesson eight: If you have heartburn, talk to your doctor.  If it's bad there's no reason to rely on Tums if they aren't working.  There's medicine that you can take that will make you feel SO MUCH BETTER.

Lesson nine: Miralax works wonders for pregnancy constipation.  My doctors and I worked really hard and tried all sorts of laxatives that didn't work (I know, TMI, but seriously.  I WISH I would have known this before and if someone would have written it I would have been eternally thankful).  Finally we realized that the first thing we'd tried (Miralax) was the answer.  But instead of taking multiple doses over the course of the day, I had to take multiple doses at once, with LOTS of water.  Just like that, 6 weeks of constipation were done.  Hallelujah.

Lesson ten: Do "Good things, Hard things" everyday.  At the end of the night, tell someone or write down something good and something hard from your day.  It could be anything.  But it's a safe place to get out things that are bothering you and remind yourself of the joyful parts of pregnancy.

I know there's things I wanted to remember that I'm forgetting...which is why I really should have written some stuff down.  (Lesson eleven: write things down when you think about them).  But I'll call it a night.

Coming up: Part 2: What I wish I had known about giving birth, and Part 3: What I wish I had known about having a newborn.

"Having Kids Changes Your Relationship"

You know what I think it is more than anything?  Your instincts, that used to be perfectly honed to each other, are now all focused on learning to care for a new life.

If you have the blessing of a loving relationship, chances are you have never (before kids, that is) needed to explain your needs to your partner.  Or at least, very few of them.  In fact, it's probably one of the things that attracted you to each other in the first place: this effortless give and take where communication seems to happen through osmosis or something.  Your nearness to each other is really all that's needed.

Along comes the wee one.  Your hearts are filled with this joy you never understood until now, and the magic is an extension of the two of you.  Proof of what a miracle love is.

And then, as my husband and I joke all the time, it gets real, real quick.  You're changing diapers, up at 1am, and 2, and 3, and 5 (oh my gosh! He slept for two hours! Do you think he's starting to change his sleep pattern?) and 6 (nope).  Suddenly this rhythm of life that you had is not so much interrupted as completely obliterated...

Is he eating enough? Is he cold? Did you check his temperature? Did you change his diaper? Did you check his temperature? Is he eating enough? Does he have a stomach ache? Why is he screaming? They told us in the hospital to give him a bath in this sling but it's the supidest #$$*(% thing I've ever heard of--the kid's freezing.  How do I change this freaking thermometer to fahrenheit? Are there too many blankets? We're not supposed to cover him when he sleeps.  Why isn't he sleeping? We're not supposed to put him on his belly.

Wait, food?  I'm starving--did you cook dinner?  No, I didn't cook dinner.  I was breastfeeding and then he wouldn't sleep so I laid him down.  I put him on his belly and he fell asleep so much faster but then I was so afraid he wouldn't keep breathing that I just sat there and watched him.  And I tried to fold laundry but I just couldn't stop crying.  He did sleep for two hours though!  Oh my gosh, what if he's reversing his nights and days? NO I didn't cook dinner! Oh my god I didn't cook dinner! You've been working all day and you have class tonight too and all I've done is sit around here and get nothing done.  And you probably need to fill up the car with gas too.  Did you fill up the car with gas?

...Well, you get the picture.

See, the thing is, as much joy as a baby is (and I promise it IS a joy too; the previous two paragraphs of stress are truthful but that stress pales in comparison to the love you feel when you hold that sweet babe in your arms), they sort of take a lot of effort.  So all that time and energy you were able to spend anticipating each other's needs is now spent anticipating the BABY's needs.  And suddenly your partner doesn't know you need a hug right now, and you don't know your partner just wants you to say "thank you, I love you."  It's not that you don't know these things about each other or that you don't want to give each other all the love and affirmation you always did.  It's just that now you have to think about it, because all your instinct-emotions are being used to try to learn how to care for the most terrifying and wonderful responsibility you have ever had.

All those things that used to go unsaid might need to be shared now, and shared often.  At least until you figure out a new life rhythm with the three (or more!) of you.

You'll Understand When You Have Kids of Your Own

Everyone talks about how life-altering having a child is, but it's really hard to articulate how it feels.  I remember asking my girlfriends, "How does it feel to be a mom?"  Now, being on the receiving end of that question, I've thought a LOT about it.  How do I describe to someone what being a parent feels like?

It's not perfect.  But here's the closest I've got (and sorry, it's mushy.  But seriously, you asked what it feels like to be a parent.  What did you expect?):

Imagine a heart that's shared between two people.  I don't mean that one person has one half and the other person has the second half.  I mean that it's one single heart that beats in the ribs of two people.  That's what it felt like for me being in love with my husband.  It was like our hearts were always one heart, and without each other  in our lives we just felt...wrong...or off somehow.  Once we found each other, the closer we were the easier it was: as if our heart had to work harder to keep us strong when we were far apart.  But still, finding each other made us feel complete.  Happy.  Even from a distance.  

Now imagine that same heart.  But instead of being protected by your ribs AND the ribs of your partner, it is passed through your body and living outside of you in your child.  Suddenly you see this love radiating in every corner of your world.  When it was inside you, you could never see how strong, how beautiful it was.   But, with the splendor comes terror too.  Every day is agony.  It doesn't matter where you are, how close your baby is.  Your heart will never be inside you again.  It goes with that baby wherever he goes, and nothing will keep it safe forever.