There will be plenty to read without my adding additional commentary to the list below.
1. I don't know about all new moms, but
I felt really strange (emotionally) for the first 6 weeks or so (this sounds like a long time but it FLIES with a newborn). I reacted to things much differently than I would normally, I felt overwhelmed, I was tired. I just didn't feel like myself. I wish I would have mentally prepared for that because then, when it happened, it might not have felt so strange and scary. If/when you DO overreact, feel overwhelmed, yell at your family or cry for no reason, don't feel guilty about it. The emotion itself is enough without you putting added stress on yourself feeling like you have to change it. It is perfectly acceptable to be a bit crazy in the first few weeks after delivery. BUT, that being said, when you feel crazy, try to do something to make you feel LESS crazy. Because those feelings build on themselves if you don't address them (see #2).
2.
Things that helped me feel calm when I was feeling anything but: getting out of the house in any way possible. I found that panicky feelings were tied to how long I stayed in the house without moving very much...maybe like cabin fever. So for me, getting out included things like: going outside (even just sitting on the deck), going for walks holding the baby in my arms, going for short walks (even just a couple times around the block) while a family member stayed with the baby during a nap) and going to someone's house (I never wanted to do this, it felt really overwhelming...like, "I just had this baby and I don't know how to take care of it and now you want me to do something ELSE new like put the baby in the car seat and drive across town??? What if we get into an accident? What if I forget something? What if the baby needs something?"...but once I was AT the person's house, it felt really good and I started feeling more like myself and much less scared. I was really fearful of Miles getting sick if I took him to public places when he was only weeks old (I am still unsure of how warranted this fear really was, I don't feel it now) but I think things like going out for coffee or strolling at the mall were really calming too. It just reminded me that the stress that I felt encompassing all of my life wasn't everywhere in the world...it reminded me how many people have kids and take care of them, and that all I had to do was love Miles and give him the best care I could.
3. I think I mentioned before that I stressed a lot about my milk coming in and
breast feeding, and in the end I wish I hadn't. There is so much that I know now that just didn't click before. First and foremost, stress can dry up your breast milk. There is no way a new mom doesn't worry, but if you're feeling worried or stressed acknowledge it (say something to yourself like, "of course I'm going to worry, I have a newborn, but it will be okay,") and then go take a walk, or change your scenery, just get out of your head a little. Secondly, if you can't, or don't want to, breast feed there are SO MANY OPTIONS: you can pump breast milk and give it to your baby with a bottle, you can use formula, you can do a combination of both. I do believe that breast feeding is best for mom and baby post delivery, but I also believe that the pressure to breast feed if it doesn't work for you (and the resulting stress) can be harmful. If something about breast feeding isn't working for you, give yourself permission to find another alternative!
4. If for some reason your
milk dries up before you're ready to stop breast feeding, continuing to pump can help it come back in. But it could take up to a week for your milk supply to return. Don't think that just because it's not coming in for a couple of days that means that it won't (it might not, but give it at least a week). And remember that stress (too much of it--and remember, I don't mean that you won't be stressed, that's natural, I mean excessive worry that makes your mind spin and won't let you relax at all, ever) and nutrition (too little of it) are big factors in breast milk production.
5. And, speaking of
breast feeding, there's one last personal anecdote I'll mention here because I felt really embarrassed when this happened to me and didn't know that it's not uncommon. Every time my milk dropped (you don't have a constant supply of milk all the time. Your breasts sort of "fill up" with milk every couple of hours once you get in sync with the baby, and "milk dropping" is the feeling you have when that happens. Forgive me if I'm patronizing you, but I didn't know how it worked or what all the terms meant) I felt this wave of sadness wash over me. It was really strong, like when you stand up too fast out of bad and feel dizzy and black out for just a second, except replace the dizziness with sadness. There's a hormone that causes your milk to drop, and for some women that hormonal trigger causes the sadness as well as the milk dropping. If this happens to you, talk to your doctor (or someone)! There's not a lot you can do for it but just knowing that I wasn't alone helped me a lot and empowered me to make some choices about what I wanted to do to address it.
6. The weight will come off. It will. Be as healthy as you can be: eat when you're hungry but make healthy choices, get in as much movement as you can, and gradually increase your activity as you're able (physically and mentally). I think I asked my doctors 3 or 4 times about how soon I would be able to work out after delivery. They kept telling me 8 weeks AT LEAST (I had a C-Section), and this really stressed me out. I thought, "8 weeks? I need to start getting this weight off before that!!" The truth is that I didn't even THINK about working out for at least 8 weeks because it's true that my body was weak and recovering from such a major event, and the time passed SO quickly with so little sleep and so much adjusting to a new life. Furthermore, your body will burn a lot of calories in those first weeks as it adjusts to having the baby outside versus inside (including breast feeding). And I would say that the "9 months on, 9 months off" adage is true, but once I started working out again I felt really good about my body long before I lost all the weight. So I guess what I'm saying here is worry more about being healthy than losing the pounds. Because feeling healthy is what's going to make you feel good before, during and after the weight is lost.
7. The rules are important, but so is your instinct. Let me be clear that I'm not advocating ignoring a doctor's advice. But for me, it was important to try to remember that caring for a baby isn't black and white--there aren't any answers that work for EVERY child. I had to learn to trust my instincts. For example, my son would not sleep on his back. After 3 weeks of sleepless nights (him AND us) we finally tried putting him to sleep on his stomach. And the first night we finally had 3 hours at a time, together, of sleep. And there were some nights where, for whatever reason, Miles was inconsolable and we put him in bed with us. And for us, that worked. Again, there are dangers to sleeping on tummy and co-sleeping, and I'm not disregarding that. But I'm saying to allow yourself to trust yourself and be flexible.
8. It is difficult finding your relationship with your significant other again after having a baby. Not because the love is any less, only because you're so busy and your life is so different! Don't put too much pressure on yourself, but be sure to continuing expressing as much love and gratitude as you can, especially for the little things. Just saying thank you, or a hug, or a hand squeeze, can make all the difference. It will make you and your partner feel better, and it starts a cycle of positivity that can carry you through a lot of sleepless nights!
And a few more brief tidbits...
9. Don't forget to buy socks! Miles was mostly in footie pajamas for the first couple of months, but on the rare occasion we dressed him in a little outfit, or when it was too hot for the footie pajamas or so cold we wanted an extra layer underneath, socks were important!
10. The best footie pajamas had elastic around the ankles so that the baby's feet stay put at the bottom of the pjs and it just makes them fit so much better.
10. And, as long as we're on the topic of elastic, sweatpants with elastic ankles were nice too.
12. If you don't want or don't have the extra space for a high chair, a booster seat works great! I have one that straps tightly to a table chair and has straps for the baby. The baby can't use it until he/she sits up independently, but that's mostly true for a high chair too.
13. Babies love music! And lights and noise. I was a little hesitant about buying a lot of toys for Miles because our house was so small. And in general, I didn't buy much because I still don't think you need a lot of stuff. But do think about and purchase or find a toy or two that will stimulate your baby's senses and help the two of you to engage together.
14. Whatever you do, the most important thing is the love you have for your baby and the love you demonstrate for those who are close to you that will serve as a role model for him or her. I try to remind myself of that daily, because there are a lot of times where I simply don't know what to do and the number of questions I have far outweigh any certainty. But at the end of the day, I love my son more than anything in this world, and I know that has to count for something!
I absolutely welcome any questions and comments. I think the best thing for any new mom is a community where we can talk about what makes us nervous and what we're learning without fear of judgement. Just a place to talk, safely. Cheers! Happy Sunday and have a great week.
